The age at which most people separate and divorce has increased to be the over-45’s. We’re at the time of year when this becomes a great problem.
Here are 10 tips for helping Entrepreneurs and Professionals move on after separation and divorce
1.Put the work in to forgive yourself
- With separation and divorce we are tempted to think we’ve made the biggest mistake of our lives. We often think that if it hadn’t happened then we wouldn’t presently be in pain. It’s best not to become caught up in this kind of thinking.
- It is better to remind ourselves that we are human and that we are entitled to make mistakes – everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to learn from our mistakes and apply that learning to improving our lives as we go forward.
- Bear in mind that if we want to love again after separation and divorce, we have to prepare ourselves to give and receive it. This mean that we have to love ourselves, which means that we have to forgive ourselves
2.Release your regrets
- When a relationship has ended in separation or divorce, we are often tempted to dwell on how we might have done things differently or on what we did wrong. Doing this may seem a productive activity at first glance – we feel we can change things by replaying and altering how we might have behaved. Dwelling like this simply causes us to suffer.
- If you catch yourself going into your past, pull yourself into the present moment. It is important to focus on the positive facets of your current situation. Focus on who is there for you and what you have learned that you can take forward into future relationships.
3.Remember the negative as well as the positive.
It can be tempting following separation and divorce to engage in a process of longing for someone we lost with a romanticised idea of how the relationship was. Such thinking can, in fact, be addictive – rooted in brain chemistry. Consequently, we look back on the relationship through rose-tinted spectacles. We might imagine that the he or she was absolutely perfect, while we were at fault. Truth be told – both parties in a relationship have strengths and weaknesses and both make mistakes. Let go.
4.Avoid thinking about lost time
- After separation and divorce, it is tempting to look at the relationship as lost time, or time wasted. Don’t underestimate all of the great things you did during that time. If you are holding on to your past and feel you’ve missed out, focus on everything you have gained: friendships, career, experiences.
- Focussing on the positive makes it easier for us to move on – we become empowered rather than victimised. Your past – whatever happened in it – prepared you for the here and now with all its opportunity for peace, happiness and personal growth.
5.Connect with who you are outside a relationship
- The chances are that, before the relationship that ended in separation or divorce, you lived a fulfilling single life. You were most likely a strong, happy and fairly contented individual. Now that your relationship has ended it is important to remember that person and get back in touch with interests and people that have received less attention because of your relationship.
- Your ex was attracted to you for a reason – you were happy, strong and passionate before and you will be again. Get to know yourself and reconnect with who you are. You are not a depressed, guilt-ridden person by nature – you will get through your loss. Ask your self – what am I passionate about?
6.Allow yourself to feel
- Divorce and separation – the end of a relationship – is a bereavement. First comes denial: we don’t believe it’s over. Then comes guilt: we should have done things differently. Then comes bargaining: things would be different with a second go at it. Anger follows and then depression.
- It’s important to go through the bereavement process. Eventually acceptance comes and we can move on – we shift the focus from the past to the future: we turn pain to pleasure.
7.Create a separation
- Following divorce and separation, we can get stuck in the past. It is difficult to end all contact when we are attached to someone. Ending a relationship often feels like we’re throwing away the chance at knowing love again.
- Rather than focussing on a specific person, and wanting him/her to re-enter out lives, focus on wanting love and happiness, whoever that may be.
- If you let go, forgive yourself, and open up you will know love again
8.Focus on the benefits of moving on
- Letting go gives us peace. Holding on is like torture. We regret and feel guilt and shame, we obsess and try to imagine doing it differently. This is all just suffering. We need to subdue these thoughts and let go. This opens us up to new opportunities and possibilities.
- When we hold on to something – the lost relationship following separation and divorce – we are less likely to be open to giving and receiving something else. In order to receive, we have to give: we have to be open.
9.Accept and embrace general impermanence.
Nothing lasts forever. All experiences and relationships run their course in time. We can translate impermanence into action by taking each day as it comes and appreciating the people who are before us as though this was our last day on earth. Finding value in the detail of the day as we experience it moment by moment helps us to avoid dwelling on what has been lost.
10.We must identify and replace fearful thoughts
- Holding on to a relationship after divorce and separation is more about attachment than love. Love seeks the other person’s happiness. Fear holds on to what appears to make us happy in order that we don’t feel sadness. Such fearful thoughts can be part of a habit – we might think that we will never feel loved again, that we will always be lonely, that we are powerless.
- It is important to recognise that all pain is transitory – it will pass. We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control our response to it.
In January 2017 Claire is running an 8 week Programme both online and Group Workshops In Leeds
A New Beginning, the journey beyond Divorce and Separation for entrepreneurs and professionals.
If you are looking to :-
- Be Part of a community
- Restore confidence and self belief
- Share Problems and find solutions
- Get your life back on track
- Feel inspired and create passion and excitement
- Gain Purpose and Vision
The group sessions are there to help you restore your confidence and self-belief by supporting you though a community of like-minded people sharing problems and solutions. Claire will help you to get your life back on track.
If you would like a free 45 minute discovery session without any strings attached please book an appointment:-