Separation and Divorce: Looking Forward
The festive period can be an exceptionally stressful time of year, placing real strain on our relationships and marriages. Unfortunately, this strain inevitably exposes the weaknesses and fundamental faults in relationships, which can become intolerable for us. Separation and divorce is common at this time of year. As the one year segues into the next, the end of a relationship in separation and divorce needn’t be seen as an end in itself, but as a new beginning – a new start – in the new year. Here are five tips to help professionals and entrepreneurs survive separation and divorce:-
1.With separation and divorce, an end is an end.
It is common for one of the individuals experiencing separation or divorce not to want to separate. If this is you, your partner may want to separate, while you feel that the difficulties and problems you have been experiencing aren’t sufficiently serious. It is possible that you believe that your partner could work harder to improve your relationship and make it right again. It certainly is not unusual for couples to have a difference of opinion about separation. If you are the party finding it hard to accept your partner’s decision that your relationship is to end in separation and even divorce, you’re not on your own. However, the fact of the matter is that your partner has definitely decided that they want to end it: you do not have much choice in the matter
2.Going forward into separation and divorce
You can act to make things easier going forward into separation and divorce. Ask your partner to be patient and explain that while they may wish to press on forward with the separation or divorce, you need time to get your head around their decision and deal with immediate feelings of anger and hurt in general. Communicate with your partner. Find out from them what has led them to their decision to go forward into separation and divorce. In doing this, you might make changes to improve things going forward. It is unlikely that your partner will change his/her mind, but finding this out might make the process of separation or divorce run smoother. If you have children together, you still need to get on. The reality is that you must understand that you will have to face the practical side of separation and divorce at some point in the future.
3.They must understand that with separation and divorce, an end is an end
If you are the party that has initiated the separation or divorce, you may have thought long and hard about your decision to separate. You may well have told the other party how unhappy you are in the relationship on multiple occasions. It might well come, however, as a surprise to them that you have made up your mind to end the relationship in separation or divorce. Whether it is a surprise, a shock, or not at all, it’s not unusual for couples to have a difference of opinion about whether to separate or divorce. You can make things easier at this point. If your partner disagrees with your decision, you may have to give them time – he/she may not be ready to move forward: if your decision to separate or divorce is final, emphasise this. If they disagree with your decision, you may have to ease things forward, taking small steps to help things move forward, eg. Looking into alternative living arrangements. Doing practical things like this step by step also demonstrates that you are serious about the separation or divorce. Generally speaking, BE CLEAR – explain that you want to end the relationship.
4.Helping my partner accept the end of our relationship in separation or divorce
Be clear in telling your partner the reasons why you want to end the relationship and explain what you have done to address these. Demonstrate that there are some things from the relationship that you have valued and that you will take from it. The following activity is useful: list the 5 main issues that you have not been happy with in your relationship; list the measures you have taken to address these issues; ; list 3 positive things that you will take away from the relationship; Let your partner know what the next step is that you would like to take; share the lists with you partner
It is essential – indeed, it is of the utmost importance – that you don’t involve your children in any way in the dialogue between you and your partner about the decision to separate or divorce. Your children will, of course need to know, but they must not be made to feel that they have to make the decisions for you. If you try to get your children on your side, it won’t make things easier for you and it can harm your children. In addition, it won’t help either you or your children to feel guilty. It is quite possible that you feel that that the separation is your fault; and others may think this too. However, the responsibility for the end of your relationship in separation and divorce lies with both you and your partner.
Claire Buck is a Life Coach with a wealth of experience in both business and life/family matters. If you feel you need help at this very difficult time of year with problems relating to the end of your relationship, she can help you to:
REGAIN YOUR SENSE OF PURPOSE – We often get so bogged down in trying to live up to the expectations of others that we forget to think about what we actually want. Life coaching can help you regain your sense of purpose and empower you to redefine your route in life, overcome the obstacles and come up with solutions that work for you.
CLEAR THE PATH – Get rid of the emotional clutter and better understand what you want and how you can achieve it. Holding on to negative thoughts and allowing self-doubt to hold you back could be all that is standing between you and the life you want. A life coach can empower you to get clarity on what you need, what you want and how to clear the way in order to get there.
BECOME MORE SELF AWARE – A life coach can give you the tools you need to explore your inner self and work out who you really are. Being more self-aware empowers you to build better relationships, identify what matters to you and understand your values. By re-evaluating yourself you can create a more fulfilling life.
INCREASE YOUR CONFIDENCE – Empower yourself to leave your comfort zone. Lack of confidence can be a huge factor in our unhappiness. By increasing your confidence you will be better equipped to make decisions, stretch yourself and seek out the opportunities to achieve your goals.
IDENTIFY MANAGEABLE STEPS -Sometimes a goal can seem so big that you can’t see how you will ever achieve it. A life coach can help you break it down and identify the smaller steps you need to take in order to get there. What can you do today that will bring you closer to your goal tomorrow? Let your life coach help you overcome the hurdles between you and the finish line.
ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS FASTER -Perhaps you are making progress in achieving what you want in life but are frustrated about how much time it is taking? A life coach can help you maximise your time and focus on what is needed to get to your destination quicker.
Claire is beginning a series of group sessions for entrepreneurs and professionals experiencing problems relating to separation and divorce with the beginning of the new year. You will be with like-minded people who are experiencing similar issues to yourself. For your free discovery session with Claire, please make contact
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